John McCain to tax babysitters

John McCain to Pinch Babysitters

In a daring move by the maverick, John McCain announced today that he would have babysitters receive 1099’s for their duties, and file their taxes like everyone else come April 2009. He said that that was yet another untapped monetary resource to help with the financial crunch.

“These are troubling financial times. But the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and by fundamentals, I mean babysitters.”

Young girls between the ages of 10 and 15 will now have to pay up in order to make up for all of the wasteful spending in Washington and Wall Street.

Becky, a 12-year old professional babysitter who makes $100 a night, about fifty nights a year, understands that the nation needs her money more than she does. “I understand that the poor and the rich in this country pay about the same in taxes thanks to loopholes and such, so I’m glad that I’ll be helping out the country almost as much as McCain himself. Also, I can’t wait for my $400,000 spa retreat I’m planning as soon as my company goes public. I can write that off as a business expense, right?”

These are sad, sad times.

The Problems With Mainstream Media

CNN Misprint

I captured this screen from the CNN Website. They can’t even spell the [not my] President’s name right. It’s only 4 letters people.

Also, stop saying that Palin did well in the debate. Just because she didn’t have a ton of awkward pauses (although she did have more than handful), she filled that almost-silence with stupid rhetoric and well-rehearsed statements about McCain. McCain this and that…. well what do YOU think. Oh yeah, you’re a fucking moron.

The media doesn’t censor or edit what you say to make you look bad. You make yourself look bad. And so does mainstream media. Stop supporting her! It’s bullshit.

Good night!

Sarah Palin – Bear Eater

Shortly after killing a half dozen grizzly bears in South Dakota during their trek to the west coast, Lewis & Clark and the Corps of Discovery said they had had enough with the giant animal. The additional grizzlies they met along the way were most likely left unharmed.

That was 200 years ago. Apparently, Sarah Palin does not feel as compassionate as a group of frontier men; men who were exploring the wild west, and were forced to survive against a plethora of human, animal, and nature challenges. Sarah Palin loves to kill. This is the picture of the week for me.

More proof that God has a plan for America – to finally destroy it until no remnants of the United States of America exist.

McCain and Palin eat babies. Says it “gives them super political powers.”

The recent ads by Presidential hopeful John McCain have reached a new low… for this election at least. A man that was a victim of some pretty tasteless Rove smears in the 43rd Bush campaign, which I recall led McCain to get in Bush’s face at the Republican Prez Debate and say “stop it!.” “Stop it!” And, of course, if he could lift his hands above his head, he would have picked up a chair and thrown it across the stage. Probably.

But it’s not surprising that he’s using the “Sex Education for Kids before they read” advertisement, which actually was a bill to educate young children what inappropriate touching was (something that Unkie McCain does with his nieces and nephews and grand-kids/nieces/animals every chance he gets), and many other pathetic attacks on President-to-be Obama BECAUSE IT WORKS. Those attacks work. With the media discussing extremely narrow-focused issues like lipstick on a pig (or PILF), they are not looking at the general populous of this country. This means the NASCAR-, WWE-, Mix-Martial Arts-, The Hills-loving nation.

“DANG, OBAMA WANTS KIDS TO LEARN ABOUT SEX? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?  SO WHAT I KNOCKED UP MY COUSIN WHEN SHE WAS 15, I LEARNED ABSTINENCE IN SCHOOL AND IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. SO, ANYWAY, WAS THAT A BIG MAC OR A BIG ‘N TASTY??”

Well, I hate to break the news here, but I guess someone has to do it.

McCain eats babies. And Palin eats babies… human babies, wolf babies, moose babies, any kind of baby really. Although McCain likes his dead babies on his private jet while he’s flying across country, Palin prefers to be airlifted via helicopter to remote parts of Anchorage to snipe the local redneck babies from above. She says, “They taste better when they’re from a small American town. Because, small town Americans, like me, know how to raise a tasty baby.”

Although Palin has been eating babies since becoming Governor of Alaska, and stumbling upon a children’s reading room in an Alaskan library while finding out how to ban books, McCain started eating babies in 1992 when his wife, Cindy McCain, admitted she was addicted to Percocet and Vicodin. In order to keep himself from pushing old ladies in wheelchairs because he would get so angry, he started snacking on babies. After a particularly large baby,  he’d be “more pacified than a newborn.”  So, before you get too critical of McCain, remember, he’s only been eating babies for 16 years.

MCCAIN EATS BABIES!

Tom Brady Hangover

I woke up this morning and had a Tom Brady hangover. And, the last game that he played in, I had a superbowl hangover. Even though it was a W yesterday, it was really an L.

So, as I deal with this hangover, I just want to see one thing: Let’s bring Chris Simms to Foxboro to replace Brady. Chris Simms is a quarterback that I’ve watched on occasion, and I really think he could help this team.

And, for the love of God, we need someone other than Cassel as quarterback.

Zero Emission Proposal

Hey asshole.

Stop smoking.

You are contributing to global warming.

And killing babies.

Patriots Winless in Preseason 0-4

You know, I am not going to complain about the 0-4 preseason record for the Patriots. It’s only preseason, and for the Patriots are probably the only team in the league where an 0-4 preseason record is not indicative of the the regular season.  They actually use the preseason to test out players and plays, both of which probably won’t be seen in the regular season anyway. And that’s okay, it’s just NOT FUN to watch when you’re a fan.

But, I’m writing this post to say two things. For the love of God (and I think that I speak for every Patriots fan when I say this), CUT MATT CASSEL. For someone that had four years to absorb a team’s plays, schemes, and environment, and not to mention, be an understudy for arguably the best quarterback of all time TOM BRADY, he has shown NO PROMISE IN THIS PRESEASON. He has not improved whatsoever since he joined the team.  There, I said it. But, he won’t be cut, not when Belichick is the coach. So this is all just hot air.

And second. Sign Ty Law as a cornerback. We need him desperately. I said it.

Good day and happy friday…

poem: the filming of fast killer food

the filming of fast killer food

we decided to make a short film
about fast food that could think and fly
and had the desire to kill people
we bought burgers and an apple crisp pie

using strings we made them levitate
and threw them from off camera
at our actors’ faces while they ran
across a cardboard and crayon Riviera

our movie made millions
our stars became celebrities
we decided to make a sequal
and shoot it overseas

Police… Cops… Police Cops

Quick post about Dogs that work for the police.

I walked through the train station today and saw a police dog sitting at the feet of two cops. The dog had a velcro vest that said “Police Dog, Do Not Pet.”

Have we got so work-obsessed in this country that we’re forcing it on small (or large) animals too?! We’re making dogs work 40 hours a week too? Y’know, if humans don’t enjoy the amount of pressure that is put on them on a daily basis, why would they dare put that onto an animal. An animal, that I might add, is often referred to as Man’s Best Friend.

All I wanted to do was pet the dog. He looked like a nice dog, possibly depraved of attention. Maybe it’s because he’s wearing a vest that tells people not to pet him. Sad…

poem time

untitled.

the fisherman’s gut rolls over his scratched leather belt
fishoil & blood, yellow armpit stains, and the crusted salt of brine decorate
his striped blue shirt
he wipes his hands on it.
tattoos cover the hammer-head’s crecent scar on his forearm
his wooden peg’s begun to splinter
pieces of wood he uses to clean scales from his fingernails and teeth
his wooden peg’s begun to splinter
and standing on it is like nails
so he numbs the friction with jellyfish poison
while he tosses out nets under the sparkling night sky
and they sink into the rippling black glass
twisting the cork into his beard
the city lights on the horizon fade
as he waits for the winter’s catch